Why is it that we put ourselves in positions we don’t want to be in, and like why we keep our feelings closed to the people we care about most, like to others I come off as so negative, even though that’s not what I want. Like, I don’t want to regret something, and I’d always keep things bottled up and would wonder what if I took the shot. There’s the famous saying “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take” or something like that. But like, coming out and telling someone you like them, then hurts more when they don’t like you back. In history there was a quote that I saw that hit me about love, “Revealed love dies quickly.” Which is true from what I’ve experienced. When you’re in love with someone, not telling them, and knowing that they love you back, but neither person will admit it, and you’re really good friends hanging out all the time and being so close, straddling the line of just being friends and being something more, keeps the relationship interesting, and you learn to be there for each other more without being the boyfriend or the person that openly admits to loving them. I mean once it’s out there, the things you do change, they have different meaning, is the action they’re taking as the best friend you had, or now are they trying to make advances on you, and now that they openly admit it, everything just loses meaning, the things they do is something that all guys do, or all girls do. It’s rehearsed the way people feel it should play out, and you wish that it could be back when it was simpler, but that they would still be yours (not like property, but like you don’t have the fear of losing them to someone else). Like the closer you get to the light, the darker things can be. If you admit to loving them, and they say they love you too, but then turn their back on you, even if they don’t mean it, it has that much more of a dastardly effect. When you didn’t confess to them, there’s now that underlying thing in your mind “they didn’t know.” So no matter how bad something was, they didn’t know how you felt, they didn’t know what you were feeling, and they didn’t know that you cared about them, so you shouldn’t feel hurt goes through your mind. The shadows beneath a faded light aren’t as dark as those behind a bright light. But then how are you suppose to end up with the person, or just be with them, without breaking that fragile relationship between people. Bonds grow as people communicate, but what if the person stops talking to you, not cause of something you did, but because of things that have happened to them, like, it hurts, but telling them it hurts makes it worse, but letting it go and they fade away. I want to land on the edge of the coin.
Why do people think I want to be alone and introverted? Lol, it’s not like I want to shut out the world, just situations make me scared of it, if people hurt you time and time again, then you just feel that all people will hurt you, if you see people hurting then people must hurt people. It’s not like you want them too, it’s just that the fear of them hurting you stays there. If people always forget about you, then you get use to being forgotten, you don’t want to be forgotten, and you do all you can for people to remember you and notice you, but like, it’s hard to do. Like how are you suppose to go out there, and just go meet people, and to be able to fix relationships you have with others? Like there’s so many things that seem so simple to others, but are so complicated to me. Like what if I want to dance, or mingle with other people, or have a really close group of diverse friends, but I don’t know how to do it. Being in the back people don’t notice you, and the ones that do think you’re either weird, or that you don’t like talking to other people and socializing even though that’s the farthest off they could be. I mean I use to love to sing, specially in my dorm room, but now I don’t, like, I really want to, but I don’t feel comfortable anymore with it, that people will hear me, and think I’m weird, and like I also want someone that wants and likes to hear me sing, but then it’s sad when they don’t want to hear you anymore randomly after asking you to sing for them all the time, like I guess it’s like that one guy with the wax wings, the higher you fly the more distance you have to fall after your wings melt away. But that’s such a depressing way to think, but then how else are you suppose to think when that’s the situation happening to you. Like to have small things in the day that you look forward to disappear, to have life goals and being told that you can never do them because of things out of your control, to have dreams of things you wish to do, that now people tell you you could never do for reasons you couldn’t control, and when you have more dreams, that someone knows about, and plays and toys with, and then tells you that it can never happen, cause you’re you and you’re impossible to deal with, like how are you suppose to have new dreams, and new goals, if the little things that you build on keep disappearing, do you go into a corner and build fake dreams on yourself, or do you keep going out and getting your legs swept from under you and landing on the ground, if you try to get up, but can’t get up enough times, you give up on getting up, which isn’t something you should do, but then that’s why it’s called helplessness isn’t it, that you can’t help yourself. Life brings so many questions, and it never seems to give an answer, I guess it means I just have to keep on trying till I find one right? Gah I wish I got comments on this thing lol, but then there’s only like the chance of one person actually reading this, and I guess it’s unfair to expect people to find my blog on the internet when there’s so much other junk to waste time on (there’s even websites on how to waste time so you don’t waste it wasting it wastefully).
What should I feel if the person I use to be closest to, isn’t close to me anymore? Like I email her like every day almost, and we use to talk about everything, and she’d always have stuff to say about my thoughts and feelings, but all of a sudden it’s stopped, and like all the little things that meant so much are gone, and it’s not like anyone could fill that position, it’s all on how the relationship between people develop. Like when people hear someone doesn’t care anymore, they think the person’s bad and mean, but then what if that’s not the situation, like what if the person you rely on most gets hurt to a point that you can’t help them, or they feel you can’t. Like, trying to be there for them makes it worse because you’re not the one they want help from, which is the same as you wanting help for the situation and you won’t let others help because you want help from the one you want to help x.x, which seems to be a giant circle of helpless people running after each other x.x. Like how are you suppose to be the one that they notice, the one that they should turn to, and not seem needy and self-centered at the same time? Like you can say you want the person you want to be with most to be happy, to the point you’ll nearly kill yourself letting them search for happiness, but what you really want is for them to be happy with you, because you’re you, the fact you exist and that you want to spend time with them. But whenever we meet someone like that, they’re not the one we feel it towards, which again creates a huge circle of pit falls x.x. Lol, if that person were to comment on my blog x.x, that would be amazing for me, lol, heck just to vent and have people talk to you about it lol, but then that’s the weird therapy thing x.x, where people just repeat what you said to support you so you build self-confidence and all that other stuff, which does that mean I want to be in therapy o.O;;. x.x so weird how these trains of thought can travel. I keep thinking honesty is the best policy, but when you’re honest, and tell people what you want, it makes it that much more painful when they ignore you, or not ignore you, but are indifferent I guess is a better term. I mean you can be completely devoted to someone, and do all you can to get them to notice you, and they’ll notice other guys and tell you how amazing you are, and how much they wish other people were like you, but then, they don’t ever want to be with you, they want someone like you, but like the guy they like x.x, like they’re not attracted to you, because your personality isn’t attractive, they say it’s what they want, but it’s not what they look for when they’re on the prowl o.O;; such odd terming x.x. This has to be horrible, lol typing up pages and pages of thoughts and feelings, and having no one notice or read them at all, lol praying that someone finds them, and that you get someone to talk to, but then you expect that person to be something, and find them to be something else, and they were drawn to the way you see things, and they understand you, but then that’s not what you want from them, even though it is what you want. Just they’re not the one you wanted to do it, or the type of person you dreamt of noticing you. Which in turn, are you worth being noticed, or does it just bring more pain for the people you meet, or just for yourself, which then drives you back to the beginning where how do you become the person you are on the inside, and how do you get the person you like to like you back, and actually want to be with you. Such a nasty circle life is, but such a grand adventure it can become.
Oh! People really liked my FFSM comparing dating to socks in a dryer! I put it as my facebook status and people kept asking where I got it from =x, why don’t they think I’m that creatively cool? =x lol.
FFSM
Son: What is happiness?
Father: Happiness is the blissfulness of not knowing the darkness in the situations you face and the gravity of and potential of you failing at your goals and dreams that you strive for in hopes that you will be worth something to the person worth most to you.
Son: Huh?
Father: Happiness is the feeling where you can’t stop smiling because you know you did something cool.
Son: Oh *smiles*, then I’m happy that I fed the DVD player =D…