Why is it that we put ourselves in positions we don’t want to be in, and like why we keep our feelings closed to the people we care about most, like to others I come off as so negative, even though that’s not what I want.  Like, I don’t want to regret something, and I’d always keep things bottled up and would wonder what if I took the shot.  There’s the famous saying “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take” or something like that.  But like, coming out and telling someone you like them, then hurts more when they don’t like you back.  In history there was a quote that I saw that hit me about love, “Revealed love dies quickly.”  Which is true from what I’ve experienced.  When you’re in love with someone, not telling them, and knowing that they love you back, but neither person will admit it, and you’re really good friends hanging out all the time and being so close, straddling the line of just being friends and being something more, keeps the relationship interesting, and you learn to be there for each other more without being the boyfriend or the person that openly admits to loving them.  I mean once it’s out there, the things you do change, they have different meaning, is the action they’re taking as the best friend you had, or now are they trying to make advances on you, and now that they openly admit it, everything just loses meaning, the things they do is something that all guys do, or all girls do.  It’s rehearsed the way people feel it should play out,  and you wish that it could be back when it was simpler, but that they would still be yours (not like property, but like you don’t have the fear of losing them to someone else).  Like the closer you get to the light, the darker things can be.  If you admit to loving them, and they say they love you too, but then turn their back on you, even if they don’t mean it, it has that much more of a dastardly effect.  When you didn’t confess to them, there’s now that underlying thing in your mind “they didn’t know.”  So no matter how bad something was, they didn’t know how you felt, they didn’t know what you were feeling, and they didn’t know that you cared about them, so you shouldn’t feel hurt goes through your mind.  The shadows beneath a faded light aren’t as dark as those behind a bright light.  But then how are you suppose to end up with the person, or just be with them, without breaking that fragile relationship between people.  Bonds grow as people communicate, but what if the person stops talking to you, not cause of something you did, but because of things that have happened to them, like, it hurts, but telling them it hurts makes it worse, but letting it go and they fade away.  I want to land on the edge of the coin.

Why do people think I want to be alone and introverted?  Lol, it’s not like I want to shut out the world, just situations make me scared of it, if people hurt you time and time again, then you just feel that all people will hurt you, if you see people hurting then people must hurt people.  It’s not like you want them too, it’s just that the fear of them hurting you stays there.  If people always forget about you, then you get use to being forgotten, you don’t want to be forgotten, and you do all you can for people to remember you and notice you, but like, it’s hard to do.  Like how are you suppose to go out there, and just go meet people, and to be able to fix relationships you have with others?  Like there’s so many things that seem so simple to others, but are so complicated to me.  Like what if I want to dance, or mingle with other people, or have a really close group of diverse friends, but I don’t know how to do it.  Being in the back people don’t notice you, and the ones that do think you’re either weird, or that you don’t like talking to other people and socializing even though that’s the farthest off they could be.  I mean I use to love to sing, specially in my dorm room, but now I don’t, like, I really want to, but I don’t feel comfortable anymore with it, that people will hear me, and think I’m weird, and like I also want someone that wants and likes to hear me sing, but then it’s sad when they don’t want to hear you anymore randomly after asking you to sing for them all the time, like I guess it’s like that one guy with the wax wings, the higher you fly the more distance you have to fall after your wings melt away.  But that’s such a depressing way to think, but then how else are you suppose to think when that’s the situation happening to you.  Like to have small things in the day that you look forward to disappear, to have life goals and being told that you can never do them because of things out of your control, to have dreams of things you wish to do, that now people tell you you could never do for reasons you couldn’t control, and when you have more dreams, that someone knows about, and plays and toys with, and then tells you that it can never happen, cause you’re you and you’re impossible to deal with, like how are you suppose to have new dreams, and new goals, if the little things that you build on keep disappearing, do you go into a corner and build fake dreams on yourself, or do you keep going out and getting your legs swept from under you and landing on the ground, if you try to get up, but can’t get up enough times, you give up on getting up, which isn’t something you should do, but then that’s why it’s called helplessness isn’t it, that you can’t help yourself.  Life brings so many questions, and it never seems to give an answer, I guess it means I just have to keep on trying till I find one right?  Gah I wish I got comments on this thing lol, but then there’s only like the chance of one person actually reading this, and I guess it’s unfair to expect people to find my blog on the internet when there’s so much other junk to waste time on (there’s even websites on how to waste time so you don’t waste it wasting it wastefully).

What should I feel if the person I use to be closest to, isn’t close to me anymore?  Like I email her like every day almost, and we use to talk about everything, and she’d always have stuff to say about my thoughts and feelings, but all of a sudden it’s stopped, and like all the little things that meant so much are gone, and it’s not like anyone could fill that position, it’s all on how the relationship between people develop.  Like when people hear someone doesn’t care anymore, they think the person’s bad and mean, but then what if that’s not the situation, like what if the person you rely on most gets hurt to a point that you can’t help them, or they feel you can’t.  Like, trying to be there for them makes it worse because you’re not the one they want help from, which is the same as you wanting help for the situation and you won’t let others help because you want help from the one you want to help x.x, which seems to be a giant circle of helpless people running after each other x.x.  Like how are you suppose to be the one that they notice, the one that they should turn to, and not seem needy and self-centered at the same time?  Like you can say you want the person you want to be with most to be happy, to the point you’ll nearly kill yourself letting them search for happiness, but what you really want is for them to be happy with you, because you’re you, the fact you exist and that you want to spend time with them.  But whenever we meet someone like that, they’re not the one we feel it towards, which again creates a huge circle of pit falls x.x.  Lol, if that person were to comment on my blog x.x, that would be amazing for me, lol, heck just to vent and have people talk to you about it lol, but then that’s the weird therapy thing x.x, where people just repeat what you said to support you so you build self-confidence and all that other stuff, which does that mean I want to be in therapy o.O;;.  x.x so weird how these trains of thought can travel.  I keep thinking honesty is the best policy, but when you’re honest, and tell people what you want, it makes it that much more painful when they ignore you, or not ignore you, but are indifferent I guess is a better term.  I mean you can be completely devoted to someone, and do all you can to get them to notice you, and they’ll notice other guys and tell you how amazing you are, and how much they wish other people were like you, but then, they don’t ever want to be with you, they want someone like you, but like the guy they like x.x, like they’re not attracted to you, because your personality isn’t attractive, they say it’s what they want, but it’s not what they look for when they’re on the prowl o.O;; such odd terming x.x.  This has to be horrible, lol typing up pages and pages of thoughts and feelings, and having no one notice or read them at all, lol praying that someone finds them, and that you get someone to talk to, but then you expect that person to be something, and find them to be something else, and they were drawn to the way you see things, and they understand you, but then that’s not what you want from them, even though it is what you want.  Just they’re not the one you wanted to do it, or the type of person you dreamt of noticing you.  Which in turn, are you worth being noticed, or does it just bring more pain for the people you meet, or just for yourself, which then drives you back to the beginning where how do you become the person you are on the inside, and how do you get the person you like to like you back, and actually want to be with you.  Such a nasty circle life is, but such a grand adventure it can become.

Oh!  People really liked my FFSM comparing dating to socks in a dryer!  I put it as my facebook status and people kept asking where I got it from =x, why don’t they think I’m that creatively cool? =x lol.

FFSM

Son: What is happiness?
Father: Happiness is the blissfulness of not knowing the darkness in the situations you face and the gravity of and potential of you failing at your goals and dreams that you strive for in hopes that you will be worth something to the person worth most to you.
Son: Huh?
Father: Happiness is the feeling where you can’t stop smiling because you know you did something cool.
Son: Oh *smiles*, then I’m happy that I fed the DVD player =D…

SO!  Online images are really scary online when you start to think about it.  Images can be combined with other files and emailed and transferred around as kind of a multi-file per say.  A file that if you change the extension, it’s a completely different file.  This is kinda scary to me, because if you save files from online what if they have something secret hidden, a compressed file, or an hidden document.  When you search for a copy of someone’s will what if it’s digital and hidden x.x (I’d chose a photo of me and someone really close o.o;; ).  Or like imagine if all the cool desktop photos you download have viruses or something on the other side, or that you downloaded music o.o;; illegally without knowing it.  I mean an image that is like 50 mb might be tip off a clue, but some music files are small (low quality mp3’s) and some images are huge (this new 10 mega-pixel stuff, who wants to zoom that much on the zit on your nose).  So if you mix up all the possibilities how would you really know o.o;;.  And now, what if people start using sites like photobucket, myspace, and facebook as a file storage service through photos.  I guess if they compress images like youtube compresses videos it would ruin the data on the other sides (or just the image, I’m not sure how it works), or there would be way to look for data not suppose to be in the image some how o.o;;.  (I don’t even know if this is a possible exploit on myspace or facebook, cause it’s been used for quiet a while for people hiding stuff on their computers and such).  I think it’s kinda crazy all the stuff people do (I wonder how they find it out, like unlocking street fighter moves on megamanx [which I believe no one really knew about except for the makers who leaked the info], like how do people find all these things, like it’s almost impossible to find some of the stuff out on your own, so I think a dev finds it, thinks he’s cool, tells the underground world, and then once a 12 year old wants to be cool loads a virus into the works revealing it to the public and forcing the creation of a patch for it, when everyone else was just enjoying it, loading their little stuff through it and making peoples computers that much cooler [hey, you all know it’s cool to say “My computer was part of some cool kids super computer” (if you watch Chuck, you know it sounds cool “My computer was part of the intersect!”)]).

Some less technical stuff on images…  “A picture is worth a thousand words,” is a popular saying when you do something dumb and some one catches it on film in the act (and yes, camera’s once used film).  But to me, a picture is worth a life time of memories.  I know a lot of people don’t move around a lot (except for military families I guess) so they don’t know the hardships of leaving behind friends during your youth and not being able to remember the people you left behind.  You don’t remember what they look like, what their names were, or what they did, but you just remember them, it’s just always on the tip of your tongue.  Now people are like “why didn’t you get their phone number?”, or “why didn’t you add them on myspace?”  Well back in the day, little kids didn’t use phones (zomg), myspace didn’t exist (omg!  the apocalypse!).  I know that some people don’t consider childhood friends close (or they do and they’re life long friends), but people who moved around a lot don’t have that connection of a life long friend, because as a kid you couldn’t keep connection with them all.  Cell phones are actually a recent thing (hard to believe huh?), the is recently a home use thing (before, no one really used it, or cared if it existed, except for companies and big people [not fat… like important]), digital cameras are a recent thing too!  Before we used film, and then you were careful on what to take pictures of because of the fact film was expensive, limited (25 shots), and was easy to ruin (light T.T).  I mean people might consider it weird that there’s people always asking for pictures, or trying to remember people by full names now, but like, if you’ve experienced this stuff you probably understand.  I had friends in Texas when I lived there, and I don’t remember anyone’s names really, I remember Mike (cause he had the same name as me), and Shawn (cause he was the coolest kid I knew).  And then there was California, which I remember first names, and some people, but not everyone.  And now I caught up with a few of the people from California (they found me I have that affect on teh ladies xP jk jk), and I’ve heard that a lot of the people I know have changed, and that some are even married, and they’ve also helped me jog the memory of some of the people I knew but forgot (like some bullies D= ).  But like, photos are important, and I guess that’s my opinion.  They tell stories of what has happened in life, what made us happy, can show what’s hidden in peoples hearts, and a lot more.

Side track, why do people try to disprove other peoples beliefs and faith.  If someone is a Christian, don’t go up and say that they are wrong, if some is is atheist don’t condemn them to hell, if someone is Islamic or Muslim don’t say they’re terrorist (or freedom fighters depending on view point).  Like, if you want to show someone your beliefs are something worth believing in too, show it through your actions (I guess this doesn’t apply to atheists cause they’re meanies [jk jk], I just find that the thought that your consciousness (or soul) ends when you die is highly depressing is hard to accept, but then, looking at how you can slip into an unconscious state can be supportive of the idea [I personally like the Buddhist and Hindu belief that people reincarnate, but I am Christian (don’t pick beliefs off benefits [at least in my opinion, even though salvation is a pretty sweet one])]).  I mean, what’s the best way to convert someone is to tell them your faith, and just show them that you have something they don’t (and I don’t mean a nice car [or a crap ton of tickets from how I’ve seen a lot of Christians drive (lol, getting nearly ran off the road by a guy in a black sports car with a Jesus fish and a “Got Jesus?” sticker is kind of a turn off, hint hint)]).  And remember that if you’re trying to lead someone to your belief that you straying will have a larger affect on them, like cursing out loud when you stub your toe is a turn off (religious and non-religious o.o;; ), or calling someone names (“Girly man” in example), people even when they share your beliefs, get turned off by people claiming to be one thing and doing another (“I am a fish!  Let me walk to the fridge!”  fish don’t walk! [at least to my knowledge]).  You have to remember, as a religious person people are searching for your faults, and people will claim to have the same beliefs to lead you away from what you claim to believe (which I think also is from getting a title, like breaking up a belief into branches creates wars between divisions, also not taking in your beliefs on your own, you start taking in someone else’s take on it [humans = fail, it’s like a little kid game of telephone, the more people it takes you to get closer to God the more the message gets changed, read the word (which was sadly written and evaluated by peoples, but more or less has the message in tact)]).  Don’t claim something to be the will of God if it’s your feelings on it.  Don’t say that what you do is ok because God will forgive you.  God forgives, but the word says God forgives those with a repentant heart, meaning sinning with the intent to be forgiven later means you aren’t repentant for it.  DON’T USE PEOPLE AND CLAIM TO BE CHRISTIAN OR ANYTHING ELSE (unless you’re claiming to use people, then people knew what they were getting into and had a chance to protect themselves from you).  But no one is perfect, I’ve made a crap ton of mistakes, and have messed up a crap ton of times (still am messing up), so just try your best to be your best.  =3 and that’s my opinion on it, not God’s (could be possible), but I wrote this with my own feelings on the matter, so don’t go quoting me, cause I’m human and make mistakes lol.  When someone does something wrong though, it’s obvious, using people is wrong, playing people is wrong, killing is wrong, hurting people is wrong.  Love your neighbor and love God is pretty much what you have to do to stay in check isn’t it, “Is what I’m doing possibly hurting someone?”  Is the question you need to ask yourself.

FFSM

Father: What did you learn at school today?
Son: That gay guys wear pink!
Father: I wear pink and I’m not gay.
Son: I said that to the teacher and he said that’s cause my other daddy’s a good actor.
Father:  Mommy only gained weight cause she had you *breaks down*.
Son:  It’s ok daddy, he was talking about you.

Computer nerds are dying daily from health issues!  Write now, for every word you read, every character I type, a computer nerd goes under fed starving, another is over eating increasing his blood pressure to critical!  So either I stop typing or you stop reading so we can save them (jk jk please don’t stop reading)!  But seriously, these little guys spend hours in front of their computers, lowering their social skills and letting life pass them by without even knowing what’s happening.  So, find a nerd, throw him out into the dark cruel world, get him some skin pigment!  Teach them sudo doesn’t always make what you want to happen happen.  That not all life’s problems can simply be restored from a back up (well maybe I should restart this marriage from our honey moon, *tries unpacking back up to overwrite current love life* WHA T.T).  See!  It won’t work.  Teach them that lawl isn’t said in real conversations, or that speaking leet isn’t cool when you just hear “back slash forward slash back slash forward slash”!  And that’s just one letter!  We need to save this growing or dying out species (I don’t know which it is) from themselves!  I declare a War of Anti-Nerdism (if Bush can declare a War of Terror, I think I have the right to do the same on nerds).  Destroy computers!  Down the internet!  Put your internet security to max so you don’t have the internet!  Lock them outside!  Throw them in a pool with no ladders or stairs and drain the water a bit, anything that will make them healthier (add sharks to keep them moving)!

You may see this as a drastic measure, but what is change without radicals?  Do we expect nature to balance things out itself?  NO!  We are humans, we mess nature up, give it a shot of pollution and say “THIS IS FOR MESSING UP MY LIFE EVEN THOUGH IT WASN’T YOU WHO DID IT?!” (ringing any bells yet?).  And then we back hand mother nature and say “Learn your place!”  We screw stuff up for the sake of nothing really, just to do it.  We ruined natural selection (only the tough survive), we see a snake eating a squirrel and want to help the squirrel and some guy is like “STOP!  Don’t help it, this is nature!”  But I say, if I help it, isn’t that nature too?  I mean, come on, we’re animals too, if a hawk catches a fish the bear was about to eat is that an act against nature?  I mean, now when I see some kid getting beat up, or a person being mugged, should I go “STOP!  Don’t help them!  This is nature!”  Like, that means, authority!  Is an act against nature!  Authority is who is the strongest gets his say in the animal world (you can see this in humans with dictatorships being established and over thrown and reformed and stuff), and if someone disagrees they better be strong enough to take the leader out!  So what really is going against nature?  Trying to change something is part of nature isn’t it?  It is human nature to destroy each other, it is human nature to want all we can get?  What about the people who aren’t like that?  I don’t believe that people are different really, I think it’s just that we don’t understand ourselves enough to understand what we are really doing or saying.  “Abortion is murder!  I’m going to kill abortion doctors!”  Isn’t killing murder?  People self justify their actions, even if they are wrong (which me saying they are wrong is my self justice is it not?).  And like even if you trace it all back to see who was right and who was wrong, is there really any way to say?  I mean you can pick sides, but arguing and fighting is stupid if you look at it from the outside, and self justifying your actions just creates more self justification from others leading to more conflict and not solving any problems, but then talking things out with others doesn’t work because people will always have opposing feelings on the matter even if they’re all part of the same group, and radical groups will form, and groups to keep down the radicals will form, and both will increase their side’s power until it gets so bad that they agree they need to come to an arrangement and restart the process again, because humans don’t learn from the past, or really in this sense can’t learn from the past so we must continue making the same mistakes for all eternity of our kind.  So how do we stop this flow?  We go against nature.  We do better upbringing of people.  We pretty much need to brainwash people, take children away from their parents, raise them in a bubble, wait for the old to die off, and let them restart, but human nature would always pop up, and we’d always need someone at the top calling all shots, so nothing would ever work or be at peace.  But that’s just my view point at it with how people currently are, I believe change is possible, and that people can stand against their nature if they really wanted to, specially for the people they care about.

FFSM

Son: Dad can I have a cell phone?
Father: Once you’re my age you can.
Son: But then I’d be living on my own and can get it myself.
Father: Well aren’t you sharper than your mother? (Caching, deep fried yo!)